Loneliness Counselling - Christchurch

Loneliness

Do you ever see people in restaurants engaged in an intimate conversation, or groups of friends laughing and chatting at the gym, or pictures of strangers on the internet on holiday with their big group of friends and think, ‘why don’t I have someone to share life with?’

Feeling lonely hurts. We all feel lonely from time to time, but some (and in many cases a lot) of us often feel lonely. In Aotearoa New Zealand, the prevalence of loneliness is highest amongst young adults (i.e., aged 18 – 30 years old), followed by older adults (i.e., 76 years and older), and reports from research company Meta-Gallup (2023) indicate that worldwide, nearly one in four adults feel very or fairly lonely a lot of the time. Even though the figures indicate who is likely to feel the most lonely, the reality is, you can be any age when loneliness strikes.

What is Loneliness?

Loneliness is characterised by feelings of isolation and disconnection from others, regardless of whether you are around people or not. People who feel lonely may crave social interaction or emotional connection, but feel that there is no one around, or don’t feel close to the people who are around, leading to feelings of sadness and abandonment.

Being alone, on the other hand, refers to the physical state of not being with other people. This can be a deliberate choice and may be equated with solitude, peace, or freedom.

What are some ways people cope with feeling lonely?

There are lots of normal everyday behaviours that we choose to do, perhaps for enjoyment, or to alleviate boredom, to help cope with loneliness. It’s also important to realise that our behaviours may also be unconsciously spurred by feelings of loneliness and a desire for connection. Examples of both include:

• Going to public spaces just to be around people (e.g., supermarkets, malls, pubs, parks).

• Scrolling through social media to feel connected.

• Binge-watching TV shows/movies, or having the TV or radio on frequently for a source of companionship.

• Listening to podcasts, or radio to engage in one-sided listening to feel like you are part of a conversation.

• Addictions (e.g., food, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, smoking, gambling, shopping, work) to distract from feeling lonely.

You are not alone!

Perhaps you have heard this statement before, but you really aren’t alone in your feelings of loneliness. Studies indicate that people feel a sense of shame around being lonely. This is possibly why you won’t hear people openly discussing that they feel lonely, or that even though they have a beautiful garden to share, they feel like they have no one to invite over. The less loneliness is discussed, the more alone and isolated you feel in your loneliness.

Why do I feel lonely then?

Feeling lonely often tells us that we are craving social connection, and perhaps it is not something that is easily accessible or stable in our lives. You may be holding negative beliefs about relationships, or about being in groups that contribute to avoidant behaviours when building relationships. While personal experiences can contribute, it’s also important to recognise that there may be other external factors at play that have little to do with you, and more to do with society as a whole.

Social media, despite connecting people virtually, often contributes to feelings of loneliness by fostering superficial relationships and unrealistic comparisons, including thoughts that people are happier or more connected than they are in reality. The more we scroll through pictures of friends, acquaintances, or people, we may meet our need for connection in a watered-down and superficial way. However, having this need met also prevents us from reaching out and gaining enriching face-to-face interactions, which overtime, lead to more feelings of isolation.

The cost of living has changed along with social norms. In previous decades, it was quite normal for friends and family to drop by each other's homes unannounced, fostering a spontaneous and close-knit community atmosphere. Nowadays, the economic landscape has shifted, often necessitating dual-income households to meet the rising cost of living. This shift has led to busier lifestyles, with both parents typically engaged in full-time work to support the family. Consequently, there's a noticeable reduction in free time and an increased need for careful scheduling to plan social gatherings. The heightened work commitments not only limit the available time for social activities but also often diminish energy levels, making socialising less frequent and more structured.

Loneliness Therapy - Christchurch

We know it's tough taking that first step, especially when you're feeling alone. Our loneliness therapy services are about understanding you and what you're going through. When you're ready, we're ready to support you towards feeling more connected and fulfilled.